Time Machine

My thoughts at 1am.  

 (Instagram @RebeccaWithey) 

(Instagram @RebeccaWithey) 

The mental debate continued

As I woke from dreamland

At 1am

Exhausted

As if the questioning

Had gone on all night

While fast asleep and

The peaceful piano

Played softly in the background

Like a movie soundtrack


I still see them sitting

Across from me

At their kitchen table

My mind taking the Quantum Leap

Years ahead

Watching their colorful interest

Fade to gray

Their speech going silent

Wondering if they realize

I am yet another drop

In a sea of mistakes

Or maybe they are

Sitting there thinking that

They should have swiped left

And went to the next

Leaving me to my own life

Never exploring this feeling

Of connection


I still see the Grand Canyon

Of differences between us

Wondering how long we could

Meet in the middle

The pragmatic and romantic

The systemic and creative

The Agnostic and Spiritualist

Wondering if these kisses would

Be enough

Or would they leave them longing

For someone else


Suddenly the air grows

Thin and I want

To escape to the Sea

And let the Lady of the Deep

Take even this with her

Or for me to learn how to 

Stop this heart

From beating open further

Inch by inch

Just long enough to see how they

Might feel after their new normal

Settles in like an old hoodie

They have worn for years

And they have deemed themselves

Available to love again

Deeply

With their whole being


My mind, like a Time Machine,

Fast forwards the years again

To the daily mundane

The clock

Screeching to a halt

Would I just be another

Moment in their routine

Or another complaint

Spoken over a beer

With their buddy at the bar


Or could this become

The adventure of a lifetime

With day trips to the coast

Midweek concerts

Football games with their friends

Vacations to Pittsburgh and Cape Cod

Walking in parks

With our fur baby in toe

Spending holidays with families and friends

Hand in hand

Talking until midnight

Under a blanket of stars

As the campfire dies out

After skinny dipping in the lake

And walking amongst the Redwoods

Discussing the mysteries of

Life and love

Only to wake up to being

Cherished

Adored

Appreciated

Loved

By blue eyes looking

Back at me with a complete and

Unexpected bliss

Still looking forward

To hearing the next

Line of poetry

Creative thought

Philosophical connection

Diverse perspective

Expressive moment

Even after twenty years


Sweat trickles down my brow

As this personal summer

And panic attack

Starts to fade

In an hours time

I put down the pen and paper

And roll over

Praying that this revere

Will fade with the dawn


One day at a time

Is all I can do

All I should do

As I learn to trust time once more

As I try to let go of my

White knuckled grip on tomorrow

Anticipating things to suddenly disappear

Again

Could it be

That somehow life

Is not always what we fear

But what we allow it to be


Selah