Creating Your Authenticity

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As a Creative, Producer and Designer, I am very much in my head most of the time. I am thinking of connections and possibilities. When facing personal circumstances of trauma and loss, it's very difficult for me to process my emotions without taking it outside of myself and work on it externally. That is exactly how A Bit of Forever was created. It's difficult for those who are affected by my writing to understand, but it's just the way that I process and the end result can greatly help other people dealing with what is going on in their own lives.

Recently, I started writing to process a one sided argument with someone who is no longer part of my life. Every time I read this piece to myself, the more self exploration I had into the real meaning behind my emotions and the more the poem morphed into its current form. What I ended up with was a beautiful, raw, authentic piece that was extremely healing in my walk. When I shared it recently on my Instagram page, a woman reached out to me thanking me for sharing it's message as she had recently started dating a widower who was still trying to come to terms with the loss of his wife two years ago. It's times like this that make me glad that I am Living Out Loud For All The World to Read.

The piece I wrote is below. I share it here to inspire you to create your authenticity and, maybe, the reach the heart of those who need to hear it.

Maybe

Maybe it was never just about them

Or the way their attention distracted me from

My journey through the darkness


Maybe it goes way deeper than the

Momentary emotions that made my head spin

Or the desperate attempt to take a breath

That flooded my lungs

Spilling recklessly onto the floor

Without notice to my responsibilities

That haplessly fell from my arms that night


Maybe it was the overwhelming guilt I felt

Over surviving well past my loves expiration date

Or being relieved the fight was over

Instead of missing him with

Every fiber of my being

Because the wound was too great to bear


Maybe I was so desperate to be grounded again

And their smile

Made me feel alive for a moment

Tearing my heart away from home

Until the realization of my actions

Set in motion a shame

Ruining any chance that could have been had

As I desperately tried to build a new home

On shifting sands with rotting wood


Maybe it was about losing the life I dearly loved

The one held on to with white knuckles

Screaming and praying for it to stay

Only to watch it slip through my fingers

Like water

As I stood there coping without

Anyone to understand the traumatic experience

Of pouring my soul into his final breath

After facing that cross for years

And suddenly realizing I was no longer

Wife, nor lover, nor best friend


Maybe it was the lack of identity that I felt

Or the grief that blinded me into hoping that

I could feel normal for a time

When all I needed was someone who would

Just hold me

Or ask if my empty shell needed anything

No, not from the store,

But from a giving heart to help me understand

The train wreck inside my chest


Maybe my frantic emotions

Coupled with the wine

Got the better of me

As they happily tweeted and texted their tribes

While I was drowning in the loss of mine

My stomach sick

Wishing I could nest my brokenness

With someone who really got it

Who could take care of me until my soul

Returned to my body


Maybe I searched from heart to heart

Mirroring their own wandering affections

Hoping to find someone who could

Truly hear me past their own thoughts

Truly connect to the shadows within

And show me how I could be

Happy again

Someday


Maybe it wasn’t just about them

They just happen to

Invade with their own brokenness

As this house of cards crashed down to the ground


Maybe, for that,

I’m truly sorry