“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” —George Eliot
I recently closed a painful chapter of my life and moved on. I was invited by a dear friend to join him in launching his boat for the summer in Poluck Pines. What an amazing weekend. This was a welcome transition from moving out of my home I spent over a year building and destroyed over a few careless words as well as the release of a year of frustration and anger. The invitation from my friend was simple. Come up and just enjoy life, and that I did. From the engaging conversation, wonderful connection to nature and the seemingly easy partnership that occurred, it was a clear reminder to me that I still belonged here on this earth.
Let me explain a little what I mean by that.
In the vulnerability of losing my husband, I had allowed someone into my life who took advantage of me and made me feel constantly like I was never enough. This was done through conflicting personalities, similar wounds, manipulation, lack of communication and general disrespect. I knew better when I met him again right before my husbands funeral, after a year of no contact, but didn’t follow my own intuition. Partially because I was so broken from losing the love of my life as well as wanting to quickly replace what I had just lost. What ensued was a year and a half of tearing down my dignity that I had beautifully gained with my late husband. It ended bitterly without any possibility of resolution in an amicable way.
Rebuilding your life can be both difficult and simple. The key is letting go of what was left behind before moving on to the new start. But sometimes that is difficult when you are still processing the psychological train wreck left by a toxic environment. Oprah Winfrey so beautifully quoted TD Jakes by saying “Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been different”. That’s difficult when hope is your natural gift. Looking back, no matter how much I wish that things could’ve been different with that relationship or wish that I had never got connected with him again, it will not change what occurred. It will not change the necessary lessons I needed to learn during that time. Lessons like:
- Valuing who I was created to be, even when it rubs people the wrong way.
- Learning that emotional intimacy is much more important than blind passion.
- Trust your initial gut instincts.
- Listen to your friends.
- People may use words to impress but their actions reveal their true motives.
- Perceptions can be deceiving.
- Don’t date your Dad, especially if that relationship growing up was harmful to you.
- You are not defined by what you think other people think of you.
- You control your narrative.
This year and a half will be nothing to me in the future as time passes and I distance myself from the situation. What comes now is a slow, step-by-step, moment by moment journey. It takes trust. Trust of oneself, God, life, and tomorrow. It means surrounding yourself with positive, like-minded individuals who uplift, support and thoroughly enjoy who you are. It’s laughing, resting, reflecting, praying, living, writing, experiencing, moving forward and forgiving.
This is the start of tomorrow, a new beginning, and I am so very thankful.